the missing

where do they go... the words?
why does the need, the desire to write disappear?

who the hell knows!

because i am just a little stubborn... i will persist to some small degree. if my words read forced and spiritless, so be it.

come monday my south african boy arrives and i will allow myself a weeks vacation. a whole week of soaking in the sunshine of his presence.

the object of my affections and i continue to communicate, our conversations grow a little less stilted. sometimes we even share a chuckle, a moments laughter.
herself has joined match.com, her profile, her photo stare back at me from the computer. rather difficult to imagine her with ANOTHER...
effin' painful actually...

as for myself, i have decided to play matchmaker;-)
i have decided that my new friend from the east coast and jersey girl would make a fabulous couple. i have already been trumpeting the excellence of new friends character in jg's ear. when i journey up to fife, i will extol jg's virtues in new friends ear!

yeah i know...you don't have to say it...
"better to mind my own business" but where, oh where is the fun in that!

begorra!

so where am i...
tried dating...well one appointment for coffee and then a day sightseeing with lunch ...
surely that counts as dating?
plus it led to...

made a new friend who is dying to introduce me to the best fish and chips in the world...
somewhere in fife...
and i do love my food...

the object of my affection and i are back in contact, the odd text, a couple of emails, enough long and drawn out phone calls to make us both thoroughly miserable...
still smitten with each other...
both now thoroughly convinced our relationship won't work.
love? ... in our case... it sucks!
begorra! the two of us must have endured a tempestuous past life together!

we are decided, we will try and maintain our friendship.
we think, we may have to stay out of contact for a while. at least until our emotions are less raw.

where does this leave me...
truth to tell ... effin' confused!
having spent some considerable time considering, i have reached a conclusion vis a viz the dating game.
too soon for me!
if i am to live by my motto... "first, do no harm"
then i had best keep myself to myself for a while.

next month my friend jersey girl has invited me to visit her. jg lives in "civilization", where there is a gay village and plenty of fun places for us lez ladies to hang out, eat, drink and be merry. i even hear wondrous rumours of music and dancing! something to look forward to...
future revelry sans involvement. sounds about right for now. 'fraid the online matchmakers will have to wait a while...pity about all those pounds i spent putting up my profile.

the meeting

JFK meeting the object of my affections 03.01.05

I was fine on the plane, as fine as one can be in those humming cramped, quarters, denied both nicotine and fresh air. And why would I not be fine, I was about to attain my heart's desire, a reward for my hard bought patience. The months of waiting and wishing would soon be over, ignoring the carefully worded advice of friends, I was doing it my way.
My feet walked on American soil, a real high for one whose greatest joy was always the dark cavern of the movie theatre. Real life seldom took precedence over the thrill of the American entertainment industry. Here I was, in the land of the free, surrounded by the symbols that had haunted my childhood.
Now to customs, officials with American accents, “step back behind the line” and I was living a movie script. Fingerprints, photographs, a temporary green card, would they let me through or dispatch me back to Britain, my mission unachieved. The formalities of entry into the worlds only super power completed, I made my eager journey to collect my baggage.
Suddenly the fear, the reality of the unknown, seized my chest and squeezed the breath from my lungs. She would be waiting, she who I knew so well and yet not at all. She who played with my heart and affected my body from thousands of miles away. She who I had fallen in love with so easily and courted so assiduously from so far away. Would I know her, would my body agree with my heart and mind that so desired her.
My eyes searched, she was there, waiting, with a red rose in her hand. How many steps, how many strides to meet my destiny. And we were together, holding as if we would never let go. Our soul energies, which had brought us together from different worlds, finally entwined with the physical. How long did we stand locked in our mutual relief, the unbelievable reality of togetherness. Her voice was soft “Welcome to my country”.
So began our second beginning...............

anatomy of an affair

dissection

who wrote those words to a perfect stranger...
obviously i was just a little insane at the time!
looking back...

i had lost my everything two short years before. i had lost my life companion...i was still adrift in a sea of raw emotion. i knew i could never replace my man with another man. i was lonely, in shock and longing for the warmth, the touch, the physical presence of love. in questioning myself and my needs i had come to the conclusion that a woman would do me nicely ... if... and this was the big IF...if it was physically possible for me to be attracted to a woman.

hah, how little i knew myself! i had always been a tomboy, my deep and abiding love for my man, my full time job as wife and mother had kept me ignorant of the woman loving lesbian who shared my heterosexual body and mind.

so... i was desperate and i was determined. i would seek and i would find. i would find a new love who would share my life and fill the empty ache which now resided permanently at the centre of my being.

and so...
i launched myself into the world of internet dating. herself was not the first woman i pursued, there was another...
a gorgeous,highly intelligent and eminently sensible woman...
who, whilst enjoying my wildly over the top romantic overtures, insisted that i was crazy and consistently refused to meet me!
well...hey man...no way was i intending to stand for that. i had places to go, people to meet, patience is not one of my virtues. i returned to the match making websites and in due course found the woman who was to become the long term Object of My Affections.
and then there were TWO! two women who made my pulse race, two women with whom i was completely infatuated, two women who lived in the states, two women i had never met.
even in my state of confused infatuation i knew that this was not acceptable behaviour!
i lost interest in food, my mind swirled with words and poetry flowed from my pen, i even lost weight!
the object of my affections agreed to meet me, she eventually agreed to have me stay in her home. she has always insisted that she knew i was crazy but felt she could handle me...
aaahhh the innocence of the woman!
i guess i will never really know why she decided to take that one step further...
maybe she likes crazies.
she said i looked like a gardener...
maybe she had a weakness for gardeners....