what fairy dust?

inimitable witchling
maker of magic, weaver of spells
what fairy dust
from her sweet hand falls

binding my heart
my eyes made blind to all
but her sweet light
entranced, eternally enchanted

i wish for nothing
but to share the dance of life
with she
true guardian of my heart

i catch my breath
grow dizzy with her presence
what price immortality
if separation was the coin

sealed, enchanted circle
with time paused, suspended
while love's pulse beats
a wild tattoo of want

and every breath so deep
inhaled to hold the memory of her
held heart close
to cherish in the time of distance

All materials Copyright © 2004-2008 by Eryll Oellermann

"us"

excellent to have my playmate back, perhaps i should say...
excellent to be back!
for the past year i have been determined to distance my heart, to find fault,to take care of me!
the mind is a powerful instrument, it worked and i was miserable...

what changed?
me... i guess.

we still live on opposite sides of the ocean. i still have a need to be available for my family in scotland. herself still wants and needs to live in the good old u.s of a.
our circumstances remain exactly as they were.

for the now, very little has changed.
my mind, however, envisions a future, a future in which herself and i spend a goodly portion of our lives together!

i love america, but... as a woman who loves a woman, i am a temporary guest. herself has no right to import my permanent presence into her country. may hap mr obama (should he reach the heights to which he aspires) will take up his lance and fight the good fight on our behalf.
or not...

in the meantime...
i am fortunate to live in the land of equal opportunity!
civil partnership is an inalienable right. herself will travel to scotland and we will seal our deal. this will allow me peace of mind as herself and myself will be legally joined. my rights will become her rights, my safe harbour a welcoming home port for the two of us.

we will wander, while we are still able, between our two countries. we will have two homes ... an ideal arrangement?
no way!
but... it is a way, a plan for the future, an assurance of some type of togetherness. in november we will have been together for four years, we have loved and laughed, fought and feared, trusted and doubted. we have tried to take the "easy way" out, by attempting to disentangle our lives. it just does not work... our hearts continue to call, our minds thirst for contact.
who are we?
friends, partners, lovers, playmates?
it really does not matter... we are "us" and "us" is a magical place. "us" is a comforting cloak of concern and kindness, a place to reach out and know peace. a rocky road filled with laughter and teasing, a world of experiences shared. "us"... two grown women, arrogant, opinionated and obstinate.
"us" is a place all our own, where others delight to visit!

the power of love

so...here i am.
in new york... in the summertime.
did life work out as i might have expected?
no way!

love is a question, waiting to be answered.
it sways to it's own rhythm.
and we?
lost in the dance...
we follow the music!

change is inevitable, security improbable...

the face of love an ever changing constant.

the despair,anger, frustration of a troubled relationship. fueled by distance and supported by the great 'i am'.
the unfolding trail of drama leading to a slow withdrawal, a creeping, seeping coldness.
a recipe for disaster?
or, a revealation awaiting?

keep the faith, believe! love seldom dies... it mostly hibernates.
love is an endlessly renewable resource.
love is capable of forgiving the unforgivable.
love is the courage to accept that the road may be rocky and the destination a surprise!

so i find myself, sticky with the new york heat, holding herself, with arms that have never forgotten her.
i find myself, sitting beneath tall trees, lost in the calm comfort of her presence.
i find myself, remembering that which was and looking forward to that which is still to come.
will life be as i wish... who the hell knows!
my life will unfold, one page at a time. my journey, my destiny...
a learning, a growing, a consistantly miraculous, unfolding enigma.


i stand in awe of the power of love.

manchester meander

quite a big place... manchester. i used to live in johannesburg...that was a big place too, in a kind of third worldy way. now i live in the sticks... for all i know, i just may be..." the only gay in the village". my gp says "no way!... there are others" she would know, would she not? regardless i have not as yet met these other members of our tribe, they remain mysteriously mythical.

yeah...back to manchester! last weekend i shelled out a fair packet of money to travel southwards, a whistle stop tour of quite a few (at least four) of great britain's victorian stations.
i spent the weekend with my pal jersey girl. she did me proud, showed me big city life and canal street! my eyes have been opened, my eyes have been ogling. canal street, manchester, just in case you have no idea about such like goings on... is... the gay zone.
wow!

we sipped and walked and sipped and walked. inspecting the various clubs. street wise jg and country bumpkin me...churchhill's, new york, new york, vanilla and my personal favourite...the new union.
"why?" you might ask "the new union"
"because" i might say... "there was this girl who danced and took off all her gear and had a piercing in a most unusual and usually private place. this girl...man ... she really liked us girls. she must of known how all that sipping and walking leaves a body hankering for something sweet. so this deliciously naked lady... well... she kinda stuck marshmallows on various parts of her really delightful anatomy. then she sashayed and shimmied her way over to her... let's just say, duly impressed girly audience and offered us the opportunity to eat said marshmallows. thank goodness for all those shy, retiring young dykes. eventually her roving eye settled on me, guess she could tell at a glance that here was the type of person who would never, no, not ever... say no to a marshmallow. ah... happy day!

the missing

where do they go... the words?
why does the need, the desire to write disappear?

who the hell knows!

because i am just a little stubborn... i will persist to some small degree. if my words read forced and spiritless, so be it.

come monday my south african boy arrives and i will allow myself a weeks vacation. a whole week of soaking in the sunshine of his presence.

the object of my affections and i continue to communicate, our conversations grow a little less stilted. sometimes we even share a chuckle, a moments laughter.
herself has joined match.com, her profile, her photo stare back at me from the computer. rather difficult to imagine her with ANOTHER...
effin' painful actually...

as for myself, i have decided to play matchmaker;-)
i have decided that my new friend from the east coast and jersey girl would make a fabulous couple. i have already been trumpeting the excellence of new friends character in jg's ear. when i journey up to fife, i will extol jg's virtues in new friends ear!

yeah i know...you don't have to say it...
"better to mind my own business" but where, oh where is the fun in that!

begorra!

so where am i...
tried dating...well one appointment for coffee and then a day sightseeing with lunch ...
surely that counts as dating?
plus it led to...

made a new friend who is dying to introduce me to the best fish and chips in the world...
somewhere in fife...
and i do love my food...

the object of my affection and i are back in contact, the odd text, a couple of emails, enough long and drawn out phone calls to make us both thoroughly miserable...
still smitten with each other...
both now thoroughly convinced our relationship won't work.
love? ... in our case... it sucks!
begorra! the two of us must have endured a tempestuous past life together!

we are decided, we will try and maintain our friendship.
we think, we may have to stay out of contact for a while. at least until our emotions are less raw.

where does this leave me...
truth to tell ... effin' confused!
having spent some considerable time considering, i have reached a conclusion vis a viz the dating game.
too soon for me!
if i am to live by my motto... "first, do no harm"
then i had best keep myself to myself for a while.

next month my friend jersey girl has invited me to visit her. jg lives in "civilization", where there is a gay village and plenty of fun places for us lez ladies to hang out, eat, drink and be merry. i even hear wondrous rumours of music and dancing! something to look forward to...
future revelry sans involvement. sounds about right for now. 'fraid the online matchmakers will have to wait a while...pity about all those pounds i spent putting up my profile.

the meeting

JFK meeting the object of my affections 03.01.05

I was fine on the plane, as fine as one can be in those humming cramped, quarters, denied both nicotine and fresh air. And why would I not be fine, I was about to attain my heart's desire, a reward for my hard bought patience. The months of waiting and wishing would soon be over, ignoring the carefully worded advice of friends, I was doing it my way.
My feet walked on American soil, a real high for one whose greatest joy was always the dark cavern of the movie theatre. Real life seldom took precedence over the thrill of the American entertainment industry. Here I was, in the land of the free, surrounded by the symbols that had haunted my childhood.
Now to customs, officials with American accents, “step back behind the line” and I was living a movie script. Fingerprints, photographs, a temporary green card, would they let me through or dispatch me back to Britain, my mission unachieved. The formalities of entry into the worlds only super power completed, I made my eager journey to collect my baggage.
Suddenly the fear, the reality of the unknown, seized my chest and squeezed the breath from my lungs. She would be waiting, she who I knew so well and yet not at all. She who played with my heart and affected my body from thousands of miles away. She who I had fallen in love with so easily and courted so assiduously from so far away. Would I know her, would my body agree with my heart and mind that so desired her.
My eyes searched, she was there, waiting, with a red rose in her hand. How many steps, how many strides to meet my destiny. And we were together, holding as if we would never let go. Our soul energies, which had brought us together from different worlds, finally entwined with the physical. How long did we stand locked in our mutual relief, the unbelievable reality of togetherness. Her voice was soft “Welcome to my country”.
So began our second beginning...............