i believe

i believe

i believe that you are here
your essence strong and supportive
our seperation only a reality
in this physical world of mine

i believe that in the place of no time
we exist together, lost in the light
yet still i weep and forget to breathe
in the missing of your touch

i used to wonder, how?
how will i survive when he is gone
i survive my love
despite the burden of your loss

life is good and filled with hope
our family grows and newborn eyes
speak to me of knowing you
as i hold them close and breathe in heaven

i miss the sound of your step
quick, with military precision
i miss your feeble jokes and bran muffins
the rose you would bring with my morning coffee

i miss the feel of your skin
the strength of your arms
your ability to make anything and everything right
i miss you manfred oellermann



Copyright © 2012 by Eryll Oellermann

remember to breathe

i forgot to breathe this morning, didn't even notice until i heard my body wheezing wildly in an attempt to take in air. let's face it, we are not our bodies. but ... our bodies still ache with our emotions. today i feel a lump in my chest that is wont to choke me on my own sadness. ten years tomorrow! ten years without him. i think 'they' are wrong when the say "time heals". time helps you to forget but the pain of loss is always there, waiting for a memory to spark and relight the all consuming flame of loss.

Happy Anniversary Sweetheart

always in my heart ...

... not!

well, that was fun ... not!

sky, not too grey, sun visible, time to strim.

change into gardening clothes and jim green boots, connect extention cord, insert new line into strimmer.

begin work, wtf! it starts to rain!

i give up ...

to strim or not to strim ...

the sun is visible for a change. damn but it sure rains a lot in bonnie scotland! perhaps it will stay clear long enough for me to take my super duper new strimmer to the three feet high weeds in the back garden!
or not ...

ian (beloved son-in-law) spent two days of his holiday painting my entrance hall and stairwell. what a boytjie! the house looks great! perhaps i will spend today returning my books to the book shelves and unpacking the last two remaining boxes.
or perhaps i will just sit on my lazy arse watching tv and thinking about all the things i will do "one day".

for now i will wander into my clean and tidy kitchen and have a smoke at the open back door. then perhaps a lovely slow soak in my really long bath ...

life is good even though the sky is already clouding over with mean looking clouds.

tonight is my night to take care of daniel, we sit together and watch children's tv until it is time for his bath and bedtime. daniel will be three tomorrow - wow, how time flies!

well there are the first long streaks of rains whipping across the front windows. no strimming today!

slow cooking

a book on slow cooking
a basket of pegs
a small green duck
with bright orange legs
an empty container
which once held meringues
five paper plates
and a box with no fags
the debris of life
the way which i live
so much left behind
so much still to give

Copyright © 2012 by Eryll Oellermann

when i'm sixty four

"will you still need me, will you still feed me?"

i remember way back when ...
sixty four sounded unthinkable! i mean one is well past it by that age, practically one foot in the grave!

ah the perception and misperception of age and aging.

come september the reef turns sixty four!

i don't feel sixty four, i don't even feel fifty ... fifty is a grown up number, definitely not to be considered by one who fancies themselves a wolf and has their own imaginary herd of horses which follows them around.

so today me, myself, the ever young, decided to have a bit of a hack at the really tall weeds in the back garden.
the trouble with over grown gardens is that one can't really be sure about the footing to be found beneath the virulent growth. how, you may ask, do you know that the growth is virulent?
quick answer - because i darn well landed in it!!
missed my footing, tumbled to the green and muddy ground, quite by chance hitting my chin on a half brick covered by stinging nettles. ouch!

i now have a burning lump on my chin and muddy knees. fortunately no one was around to witness my untimely descent into the weed pit so i am still able to cling to a few shreds of my tattered dignity.

i would really like to make it to my eighty fifth birthday so i turned my back on the weeds and determined to watch 'Hunderby' on the tv instead.

the road home

summer is on the wane
the long light almost forgotten
i travel home
first the A77 skirting Ayr
with ubiquitous traffic circles
city speed limits and lights
slow down through Minishant
with pub and parked cars
and dive into the country dark
the road home winds
careless and eccentric
as good country roads do
a big half moon hangs heavy
almost hidden by dark cloud outline
glowing not gold or silver
but with the sweetness of burnished brass
the road home is long and lonely
the dark seldom broken by fellow travellers
on their way to elsewhere
my eyes track the light exposed tarmac
watching, wary, for fox and rabbit
at times tall trees reach out
and touch each other
with their summer green arch
my heart sings
of love and forever together
my memory reaches for her smile
the light in her
which shines for me
i feel the future of us
and i am joyously content

Copyright © 2012 by Eryll Oellermann 

three feet high

there is something very right about this place where i find myself. i awake knowing exactly where i am! in my previous abode i would often wake confused and wondering where the hell i was. why? i have no idea ...
here, in my new home, there is much to do and so much to be thankful for.
does it really matter that the weeds in the back garden are perhaps three feet high?

waiting for the sky man

he called and said he would be here about ten, that point in time passed half an hour ago and no sign of a sky van.
patience ...

so far, i like dailly, today is our second sunshiny day - always a good omen.
so there we have it, i like dailly despite the fact that my children have not finished vacating the premises. not even nearly!
so my furniture, boxes, stuff ...jammed higgledy piggledy where ever we could find a free space.
i live in the hope that some time in the not so distant future all their worldly goods will disappear off to their new home in girvan!

in the mean time ...
three days without sky, three days without TV. all those olympian efforts i am missing!
come on sky man, even if your name is not Bob ..." you can do it!"

and so ...

i came to dailly.

small country village set in the lush,  green south ayrshire hills.

i told my kids ...
"i'm going to plant a cherry tree and you can bury my ashes under it's branches."
the nomad is tired of moving!

the power of losing!

"Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth."
~Ludwig Boerne

how many times?

how many times can i begin again?

i guess ... as many times as i can pick myself up and dust myself off.

of course i could just lanquish there, in the dust. but, how much fun would that be?

besides, if you lie in the dust too long, you become invisible. the next thing you know, feet are walking all over you. leaving dusty footprints! not my style.

so i will begin again. a new begining, a fresh white page,  the very thought brings a frisson of excitement.

what new adventure awaits, will this old wolf once more find words to share?

is there a delicious and delectable lady wolf out there in the world, just waiting and wishing to hear the seeking howl of a searching soul mate...

the full moon hangs bright in the sky tonight. fleetingly hidden by the occasional dark cloud scudding by.

light and shadow.

illumination!

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Illumination, an observable property and effect of light, may also refer to:

• Illumination (lighting), the use of light sources
• Illumination (image), the use of light and shadow in art
• Illumination (manuscript), the artistic decoration of hand-written texts
• Global illumination, algorithms used in computer graphics to add realistic lighting to 3D scenes
• Light (theology) - Illumination in theological terms, is spiritual information or wisdom, as transmitted through spiritual means such as through divine presence

the reef discovers bluegrass

never too old to discover something new! yeehah!! my grateful thanks to ms moon for the introduction.

if it's tuesday ...

i must be babysitting. mind you, his little lordship is not so much a baby anymore. he talks, makes decisions (whether you like them or not) and has the most wonderful tantrums. reminds me so of his daddy at the same age.
when we bump into each other unexpectedly he shouts ... "it's granny!" for all the world to hear and runs to me as fast as his two year old legs will carry him, arms outstretched in welcome and a smile to chase away the ayrshire grey all over his handsome, little boy face.
grandchildren are such a blessing and i have six (number seven, waiting in the wings) of the magical creatures!
each one unique, each one special, each one a beloved child of my beloved children.

what rhymes with scissors?

My hair once short
Is now quite long
It falls and moves
To the wind song
My hair once straight
Now waves and curls
I hate to say it
Like a girls
My hair is falling
In my eyes
It looks quite good
To my surprise
I think perhaps
It’s time to see
The woman who
Cuts hair for me
She’ll take one look
And purse her mouth
And say ‘hey girl’
Your hair’s moved south
It’s grown so long
You’ll have to pay
My work’s cut out
For me today
And then she’ll grab
Her scissors tight
And snip and cut
Until it’s right
My hair once more
Will stay in place
With no more curls
Around my face
No more wispy
No more long
No more dancing
To wind’s song
Short and straight
And all in place
Of the girly
No more trace

Copyright © 2012 by Eryll Oellermann

weather overwhelmed

wtf?
there is a daffodil flowering in the garden!
daffodils are the harbinger of spring, last i heard, spring finds her way to scotland in april/may.
january and february ... well, the weather is still nasty. not really the time for lady daff to be weaving and bobbing her graceful bloom in the great scottish open air.

has mother nature changed her mind? has she taken pity on us poor weather overwhelmed scots and sent us an early spring to make up for the completely AWOL summer she indulged us with in 2011?

whatever! i won't complain if spring arrives a couple of months before due date.

Pesti si aschii

which, in case you are wondering, means ... fish and chips.
in romanian of course!

this evening the animal doctor brought her romanian friend over for a fish supper at my place. her very attractive and charming romanian friend, i might add.
we had a perfectly delightful time despite the fact that none of us speak the same language.

hah! you were under the impression that the scots speak english?
no, no, no!

last weekend in a moment of new year weakness i agreed to play scrabble with the animal doctor. silly me!



there we are, playing scrabble in english, or so i thought.
the good doctor slaps down the word 'lum', well ... i'm sorry! i am a really well brought up and polite south african, but, the hell i am about to let her get away with that!

i arch a questioning eyebrow, me, i always try for subtle to begin with.
clear grey eyes meet mine, innocence personified... oy.
me, soft and gentle ... "lum is not a word."
animal doctor ... "of course it is!"
i reach for the oxford english dictionary.
the ultimate insult!

feck me! lum is indeed a word ...

lum [lʌm]
n
(Fine Arts & Visual Arts / Architecture) Scot a chimney
[of obscure origin]




huh!!

the next day whilst enjoying a delicious, day after new year meal with the middle child and family, i think to shock him with the animal doctor's infamous treatment of the scrabble board.
says i ... "lum, who ever heard of lum?"

well of course mom ... "lum, as in" ...
"Lang may yer lum reek!"

for those of you who have never ventured north of hadrian's wall.
that would translate to ... "A salutation wishing long life and prosperity. Literally, long may your chimney smoke."

middle child is smart, much like his father, a right know it all. in fact all my children are way too smart, much like their father!
they know the words to every song they ever listened to, they can act out entire film scripts - their all time favourite being ... "thoroughly modern millie." they appear to have the ability to remember every damn thing they read or hear.
i won't even bother to ask the other two if they ever heard the word lum - of course they will have!

hmmm ... wonder if they (my beloved offspring) know how to say fish and chips in romanian ;-)

hello 2012!

day three of the new year.

time to remember that a writer is meant to write and a poet is born to spout verse and rhyme.

2011 was interesting and somewhat iffy! i made some mistakes, i learned some lessons. i loved and was loved. i disappointed some and pleased others. there were good days and bad, happy and sad days. aspirations and regrets.

i lost old friends and made new friends. i realized that sometimes there is wisdom in giving up. i came to understand that some of the past we will carry with us always. some memories shine within us bringing light and peace to our lives. other memories, we carry to remind us that we are human, frail and imperfect, these memories may not bring us joy but they are with us to remind us of mistakes we made and pain we caused others.
let me never forget the life lessons i have been offered.

in this new year ... 2012
may i learn to be a little kinder, a little stronger, more patient and understanding, slower to anger, less full of ego and self righteousness!

i hope that i will love whole heartedly and laugh loud and long with the sheer joy of life.

we exist in a series of moments, may i use my moments wisely.