an absent queen

what do i do
when pleasing is impossible
unless i please myself less
i owe myself
i lived well and lost
and long mourned
until i found love again
pleasing indeed
though less than perfect
torment and joy
interspersed by distance
and rejection
long lost in the alone
i ventured forth
and laid my humanity, my heart
open for another
who loved me well enough
time passed
i lived my intent, my purpose
a life shared
perhaps not...
the love of thirsting passion
friendship grown deep through company kept
and i, once more satisfied
with the unalone

until love's fire relit
burns hot as coal and calls my name
while she, with no desire to share
the cold, the wet, the almost nothing
which is the mark of my everyday
yet asks of me to sacrifice
the hard won company of friends
she weeps and speaks in hurt
of disdain and deep betrayal
where none is intentioned
my mind turns from the onslaught
in disgruntled dismay
for she, not willing to share my life
would yet insist i exist alone

and so, i write these words
for i have learned well
the lessons
the emptiness of unavailability
i say, no more ...
no never
will i make again
myself the subject
of an absent queen
love me for who i am now
for how i am now
or love me not at all

Copyright © 2014 by Eryll Oellermann