and yet...

well...
ain't life interesting!
here i was, cool as a cucumber, scarcely a thought in my head about herself...

you may not know who herself is, or why she is...
you will...
nearly three and a half years of my life were spent pursuing her, seducing her, romancing her, loving her. a fair amount of said time was also spent arguing with her, muttering about her, aching, raging, cursing her.

so anyway, as i was saying, we broke up twelve days ago. it was my fault (naturally)! not that i intended to break up with herself, but she had finally decided to move to the uk to be with me. truth to tell...i panicked ... i mean, who wouldn't. after all i had been begging herself to move in with me ever since we met.dreams are dreams and reality is a whole 'nother thing. sometime in the future i may get around to explaining exactly why the news i had always longed for... scared the living daylights out of me. no promises mind!

so there i was...totally mortified by the fact that i was scared shitless by the idea of my beloved moving in with me. was she still my beloved?... i wavered and waned in the stark light of reality. i wrote an email...perhaps we should take our time, no need to rush...so many differences, so many problems to sort out. take care, take our time, maybe the long distance relationship was still the best way to go.
herself ranted and raved. indeed why would she not. she was finally giving me what i had been demanding for years and what do i do...
i wrote another email, accepting blame, understanding if she did not wish to talk to me. i had to admit...i had changed my mind about us living together.
herself cut me off...
do not call, do not write, do nothing, we are finished.
end of story.

how did i feel...
relieved!
i no longer had to stress about sharing my space with a beloved who detested my carnivorous habits and slept when i was awake and was awake when i slept. i was sure i was no longer in love with her. how could i be, i did not want her to move in with me, she was irritating the hell out of me, she wanted to tell me how to live my life!

oh, i felt guilty, i knew i had hurt her. but... as herself was always quick to point out to me...i was only being honest. how many times had she told me she would never leave the states...that i was not the be all and end all of her world.

all this happened the weekend of the 15th/16th march 2008. today is the 27th march, i had not heard a word from herself. i was coping fine...all for the best...yes, i miss her but...better this way.

tonight i receive an email from herself...why did i not answer her text?

huh?... i guess because i have not received a text...
i text back and inform her of this fact.

herself texts back...she wants to know if the rings she has returned to me have arrived and did i intend to return her things to her.

i text back 'rings have not arrived and i intend to return her stuff.'

herself texts back 'sorry, sent original message to wrong number'

by now i am no longer cool and comfortable, my heart is thudding, my pulse is racing, my knees are weak. what the fuck is wrong with me??? all i want to do is hear her voice and speak to her. what the fuck is wrong with me??? the woman is a witch, she will make my life a misery.

i text back very thoughtfully ' if you need to talk text and i will call'

herself texts back 'she has no need to talk!'

damn that witch woman irritates me! i am like so fortunate to be free of her. hope i never hear from her again!
so how come...
i now ache to call her...
i won't of course, even i know better than that...