anatomy of an affair

dissection

who wrote those words to a perfect stranger...
obviously i was just a little insane at the time!
looking back...

i had lost my everything two short years before. i had lost my life companion...i was still adrift in a sea of raw emotion. i knew i could never replace my man with another man. i was lonely, in shock and longing for the warmth, the touch, the physical presence of love. in questioning myself and my needs i had come to the conclusion that a woman would do me nicely ... if... and this was the big IF...if it was physically possible for me to be attracted to a woman.

hah, how little i knew myself! i had always been a tomboy, my deep and abiding love for my man, my full time job as wife and mother had kept me ignorant of the woman loving lesbian who shared my heterosexual body and mind.

so... i was desperate and i was determined. i would seek and i would find. i would find a new love who would share my life and fill the empty ache which now resided permanently at the centre of my being.

and so...
i launched myself into the world of internet dating. herself was not the first woman i pursued, there was another...
a gorgeous,highly intelligent and eminently sensible woman...
who, whilst enjoying my wildly over the top romantic overtures, insisted that i was crazy and consistently refused to meet me!
well...hey man...no way was i intending to stand for that. i had places to go, people to meet, patience is not one of my virtues. i returned to the match making websites and in due course found the woman who was to become the long term Object of My Affections.
and then there were TWO! two women who made my pulse race, two women with whom i was completely infatuated, two women who lived in the states, two women i had never met.
even in my state of confused infatuation i knew that this was not acceptable behaviour!
i lost interest in food, my mind swirled with words and poetry flowed from my pen, i even lost weight!
the object of my affections agreed to meet me, she eventually agreed to have me stay in her home. she has always insisted that she knew i was crazy but felt she could handle me...
aaahhh the innocence of the woman!
i guess i will never really know why she decided to take that one step further...
maybe she likes crazies.
she said i looked like a gardener...
maybe she had a weakness for gardeners....