phelan moonshadow - the life, the loves, the lies ...

Chapter 1


Where does one start a tale? In the beginning, at the end, in the middle? In the beginning was too long ago, there is no end, at least, not yet. The middle, where is the middle my friend, where is the middle?


Who am I? Not who I used to be, that is for sure. Neither who I will be at some future point in time, for we change and grow, expand and shrink – we are life until we are no more. As changeable as Scottish weather, as beautiful as the green hills rising, as dangerous as the storm waves crashing against the jagged black rocks of an Ayrshire shore.


For the now, I am Phelan Moonshadow, woman, boy, wolf, wordspinner


Makes one wonder – does it not?.






Chapter 2


I was born straight, a tom boy, most definitely, no bows or frills, no dolls for me. In play, give me a gun, a car, a knife and let me run free, unimpeded by skirts and the despised fripperies of girlishness.


At eighteen I married a beautiful man, strong and true who spoke to my heart, cherished my mind and loved me for who I was. For thirty six wonderful years we coexisted, from two ... one, more whole together than apart.


The thief named death, stole him from me, from us – by then we were more than just the two who were one. We were a family, a home, a safe harbour.


It appears I find myself starting at the beginning even though it was too long ago! No matter, we will travel as we please, through the time which was my life and the time which is and the hopes which may or may never be.


For we may indeed make plans and imagine our future but in truth we are mere flotsam and jetsam in the chaos of life.
At times we have no doubt that we are in control, our life proceeds in the direction we most hoped for. We work hard, we plan, we pray – we expect the expected. Years pass, dreams are fulfilled, life is almost our own creation.
Huh! A life which proceeds so smoothly, expectations so often met …
what do we learn? Almost nothing! Good times, few problems, an almost uninterrupted smooth flow to life – enjoyable, comfortable, oh yes but in no way educational, speaking of educational in the spiritual sense of the word.


We are here to be human, we are born to question and delve deep, to wonder and despair. The easy life lulls us into the unquestioning, dulls our minds which were created to learn through experience. Chaos reigns, our turn will come and the universe will supply the learning experiences needed to expand our consciousness.




Chapter 3

Today is a new day, a day filled with possibilities.
Three days ago I was filled with shame, anguish and despair. Life was happening and I felt trapped in the chaos, unable and unwilling to reach beyond the past. I had forgotten that we have the freedom to decide, to chose between the acceptable and the less acceptable. In the well pool of my existence I had forgotten that even in the midst of the awful, we still have the freedom to change our minds, open a new door, walk a different path. We may not like what we find, our expectations may not always be met, but, there is a large dose of satisfaction in having the courage to try!


So, why am I writing? Certainly not in the hope of publishing, rocketing book sales, adoring readers and financial gain. These things are all good but, if we are honest, they are rare and seldom accomplished.
I write for myself, to set down in print the path I have walked over the past six years. I write to question and answer, to wonder at the world I wander. I write to clarify my own thought process, to examine the circumstances which have brought me to today.


Today I claim my life, I rejoice in the chaos which has delivered me to this place and this moment in time. I stand on the thresh hold of a new beginning and I am well pleased. Tomorrow may not be as I might wish, I am not afraid. Life is a series of explorations and I have a new companion to share my adventures. I have found a woman who sees the best in me, a woman who understands and accepts the wolf, a woman who eyes the boy in wonder and some small degree of disbelief, a woman who has proved she will fight for that which she values. I have found my fellow traveller.


Copyright © 2011 by Eryll Oellermann