writer's write

so i guess, you are a writer if you write.

i never considered myself a writer because in happiness i am a word desert.
cut me, make me bleed and the force of my misery opens wide the floodgates of the word.

am i miserable at the moment? hell yeah!
what or who caused this anxt, this unease, this painful sense of loss?
why who else but me, myself!

five years ago i met the one who should have been my future and my happily ever after.
i stress should have ...
i, myself was so busy dragging around left over luggage from my previous excursion into a relationship that i completely neglected the present in which i found myself.

i think too much. often times i think too much of me, myself and not enough of those delightful, delicate and occasionally difficult souls who have chosen to share their life's journey with me!

an interesting concept ...
but as i am attempting to write instead of over thinking i will move on.

so there i was, loaded down with relationship luggage, a thoroughly confused, arrogant and let's admit it - oft' times selfish human being.

being human is our reason for existence, we are born unknowing and therefore innocent. our journey begins, skills are achieved, facts are learned and emotions experienced. we acquire knowledge but not necessarily wisdom.
wisdom takes time.
the lessons of life, the pain of failure, of loss, the heady draft of success, the joy of loving and being loved. the realization of one's own mortality.
the confusion caused when one comes to understand that being wrong is a human condition and that sincere apologies will not always right the wrong we have caused.
these are the basics, only the beginning of the path to wisdom.

so, it appears, i have been a little side tracked and wandered into the realm of ... waxing philosophical.

back to me, myself and the unfolding enigma of my life.

the animal doctor and i spent the next five years co-habiting and sometimes not. we were different in so many ways and i often felt an urge, a desire to be free of the chains of intimacy and co existence - i am an idiot.
now i am not attempting to give the impression that the animal doctor was perfect in every way. hell no! definitely not perfect but pretty damned patient and, in love with me, myself.

until one day i left, again, quite sure that i was so neglected and ignored, convinced that the animal doctor was totally self absorbed and quite unworthy of me, myself.  that was the last time i would haul my self righteous arse out of our mutual home! the animal doctor did not want me back. the desire for self preservation had evidently kicked in.

too late i am come to realize that what we had, had value beyond pride, beyond self interest. what we had was a little magic. a coming together of two souls in a lonely world. we had forever and i fucked it up.

there is always hope. hope of forgiveness, hope of friendship, even hope that love will triumph one last time.

hope is a thought, an emotion, a far journey from the reality of what is.
in all these years i have learned a little wisdom. i have learned that the acceptance of 'what is' is the only path to peace.
my objective is peace.
the journey forward, the road to acceptance is pain and loss, the keening wail of regret come too late.

and so i write again.