happy new year!

may you have everything you need and a dream to hope for.



from
sugar and the wolf

dear tilli

"and who?" ... you might ask ... "is tilli?"

tilli is a woman of mystery!

she has a blog, but i can't get in!

tilli is an abiding conundrum in my life.

my stat counter tells me that she is one of my most faithful readers, that she appears to hang out in norway and that her blog is accessible "by invitation only".

those who know me will understand my insatiable curiosity, my need to know...

who the dickens is tilli!


dear tilli

recently you lifted the mysterious veil, just a little!

i found you amongst my "followers" ...
i found your profile ...

i have some information but...
i am still unable to access your blog, i am unable to find an email address for you.

forgive my temerity in addressing you directly tilli, but ...
i would love to know a little more about you!

curiosity killed the cat!

me, myself ... i am made of tougher stuff. i will probably live to a ripe old age plagued only by my curiosity and an annoying series of unanswered questions.

take pity on my 'need to know' tilli, drop me a comment, a note, anything...

yours in curiosity
reef

the little things

seven days since i arrived back in scotland! seven days to catch up with myself after four wonderful weeks with herself.

i miss her, i miss how we are together.

love may start like an out of control fire in a pine forest ...
fast and hot, flames bursting, the very air crackling with an almost painful intensity.

over time that fire learns how to exist as a warm, glowing ember. providing warmth and comfort by it's very presence. we find security in the knowledge that this ember of love still holds the high flames within and waits only for the time of togetherness

what do i miss most when distance separates us, i miss the everyday, the little things.

i miss her glee when she beats me at scrabble. i miss the relief i feel when i beat her at scrabble. after all my lady has zero skills in the spelling department!

i miss watching "the view" with her, would i watch "the view" without her ...
probably not, i watch because i enjoy her enjoyment.

i miss the laugh out loud factor of our relationship.
laughing out loud and frequently is magical. herself gifts me with this.

i miss the look of horror on her dear face when i commit some unseemly gaffe. herself knows how to behave appropriately in american society, whereas i...
i am a law unto myself, i have absolutely no need to behave appropriately in any society!

i miss sharing a really big pack of twizzlers with her.

i miss the delicious aromas which waft through the house when herself is cooking italian.

herself's vanity is legendary. i miss watching my lady primp and preen before the mirror.

i miss her innocence, i miss her wisdom.

i miss the light and contentment our togetherness brings to my life.

i miss you woman!

i may have banked my fire to an ember in order to exist in your absence. the flames may not be as visible when we are apart. the fire awaits only our togetherness.

don't upset the apricot

Herself and myself were just lying around talking … as you do.

Reaching back into the far recesses of our minds, sharing what was. I’m not quite sure how the subject came up …

“don’t upset the applecart” …

Herself giggled, snuggled in a little closer and confided …

“when I was little, I always thought it was ‘don’t upset the apricot”, I never understood why the apricot was so damn important and should not be upset.”

Life … is a series of moments …

Yesterday we decided to treat ourselves to an evening out at a local eatery. My chance to EAT MEAT , for herself the promise of an ice cream sundae.

The evening was going rather well. I had beef, and shrimp, and potato. Man! My carnivorous body was delighted. Herself had a plateful of loaded potato waffles … or some such vegetarian type dish. Time for pudding, bring on the ice cream! Now, if there is one thing in particular which I love about the states, well … it would have to be buttered pecan ice cream. Unfortunately it appears that I am unable to pronounce pecan in the proper manner, herself insists I order it myself, whilst she sits back and chuckles at the unfortunate waiter trying to decipher my accent, well wrapped around the word pecan.

A tall glass, filled with ice cream, swirled with marshmallow and covered in whipped cream. Mama mia … what bliss! I enjoyed every mouthful, the last delicious drip of melted wonder was tucked away, out of reach, at the very bottom of the very tall glass.

No way does this girl waste yummy left overs like that, I tipped the glass and watched the mushy mix slide out of the glass and onto my waiting spoon …

Omg!
What can I say …
Herself was in shock, almost speechless. Almost I said … almost but not quite. Her face was a study of unmitigated horror. She managed to stammer out my name …
‘eryll! WHAT are you doing???”
If looks could kill I would have dropped dead on the spot. My horrible lack of table manners probably took ten years off her life.

I don’t do well with criticism.
Talk about upsetting the apricot!

the waiting

the waiting time grows stretched
my restless heart impatient for together
would that time were liquid, flowing
i would lift the glass of heavy hours
drink them down in haste and greed
swift cast the glass aside and wait
for that first glimpse of xanadu
pounding heart and short caught breath
eyes eager for your loving smile
the infinite knowing of completion


All materials Copyright © 2004-2008 by Eryll Oellermann

fascination

i swore, no really ... i kinda promised myself...
i will never write about me and herself. never again, not ever.
i mean, i am pretty sure almost everyone is bored to tears with our on again, off again love affair.
we were no longer together, we were still friends ... all good.
nothing to write about, no need to write, no problem!

so how come ...
i have a ticket, dated the 30/10/08, time 8.00am ... destination ... new york?

ahah! ... you may surmise ...
the reef has been invited to address the people of new york!
a poetry reading?
a political statement?

nah ... absolutely not, well not yet anyway. the time will come ... no doubt, just ain't yet!

so what could possibly draw me across the pond?

love, my friends ... LOVE!
and fascination ...

it would appear that my endless fascination with one short arsed, sassy, jewish/italian, bronx babe ...
continues!

rope the wind

i dedicate this poem to margo moon over at the starr ann chronicles. something you said ... thanks pardner!







rope the wind

i was born to be free
i don't fit the mold
not a girl not a boy
not young yet not old

i live life in freefall
i follow my gut
my morals are iffy
still, i'm hardly a slut

i drive way too fast
play music too loud
but i notice a flower
and see god in a cloud

my temper is quick
it rises like fire
who sets me alight
starts their own funeral pyre

i'm as sharp as a razor
i'm arrogant, wild
i can be unpleasant
especially when riled

if you tell me to do it
i probably won't
instructions annoy me
while requests really don't

i know how to love
how to ride the high wind
i know darkness and light
i'm good and i've sinned

if you need to define me
you are welcome to try
but you can't rope the wind
it belongs to the sky

All materials Copyright © 2004-2008 by Eryll Oellermann

simple enough?

i have reached a conclusion.

i expect too much!

my marriage was about 95% perfect ...
which has led to some dire misconceptions on my part, vis a viz future romantic relationships.

i reached a conclusion.
my new motto would be ...

"make no promises ... expect nothing"

sounds simple enough?

unfortunately not as easily achieved.

expectation is a stubborn mistress!

forever friends

today, i am at peace.

yesterday herself and myself resumed communication. we have decided not to allow the complications of our relationship to interfere with our friendship.

i own a deep and abiding love for herself. unfortunately, we are who we are ... it seems that 'now' is not our time.

our friendship is sacred, i cherish her presence in my life...
i cherish our ability to laugh, to play, to debate endlessly on the meaning of being.
i enjoy our arguments, for we are as different as two people can be!
the existence or absence of evil, vegetarian versus omnivore,my penchant for becoming lost versus her need to arrive at an intended destination...
i could go on forever, four years of together is a long time.
herself is my normality, my reality.
herself is and always will be ... my beloved friend.

alone

single

has some kind of ring to it! i mean, absolute freedom... nobody to please but myself.

mind! having nobody to please but yourself could be quite lonely, maybe even boring ... horror of horrors!

for the first time in almost four years, i actually feel single... no obligations. no need to check my roving eye.

i was certain sure that lori over at hahn at home had a most sensible plan. a six month dating hiatus, but then again ...
ms hahn is not looking back over her shoulder at the big 60.
tick tock, tick tock!
will the butterfly of love please land on my shoulder ... please, please!

so, i sashayed over to 'a well known internet dating site' and winked wolfishly at some likely looking lasses. winking is free, writing stunning, poetic come hither letters... well, it costs.

this morning i had a message from match, somebody has written me an email... hah! one small problem, one must pay one's membership fees.... before one finds out who wrote the email and what they actually had to say. twenty something pounds ...oy... that would amount to a lot of 'twisted' creme egg bars ... hmmm ...what to do, what to do?
as anyone who knows me knows...
i am both impulsive and impatient with a huge dollop of curiosity added. what are credit cards for, if not for buying the right to love and happiness. of course i could have taken the six month subscription with a written guarantee of love and happiness. afraid my cynicism overcame my impulsiveness at that point. damn, one month should be more than enough time for love to find me.

i have one small problem ... i have a penchant for american women. why ...
indeed, right enough... why?
i have absolutely no idea, i just seem to have a lot more success falling into correspondence with women from the states. on the whole, i find them witty, articulate and intelligent. and damn ... but they do love my accent, makes even straight ladies a little wobbly at the knees!
the point is ... at 60 you use what you have ... heh!

so i paid my money and took my chances. the email was from a very nice (so far, so good) woman. it appears she is able to spell and throw a sentence together. jackpot! if nothing else she and i will email and chat until such time as we actually meet OR one or the other of us grows bored OR falls in love elsewhere OR expires from the odd variety of things that folks over 55 tend towards.

two hours later, up pops a new email from another woman. she was in contact the last time around. she is happy to see me back. damn, how many women is it possible to keep happy at any given time. me, myself would definitely say "no more than one"!

single might just end up being damn hard work ...

the missing blog

i have removed yesterday's blog.

it was a knee jerk reaction executed in anger.

i should be ashamed of myself, i am ashamed of myself.

thank you to margo, for reminding me that a hurt human being will often strike out in self defence.

softly, softly

the chasm

love is a chasm through which the force runs
rushing, tumbling, powerful, unstoppable
like a river in flood,tempestuous in it's desire
to reach the wantonly craved destination
any obstacles exist only to be overcome
pushed aside, swept around, rushed over
and all else failing, to be worn away through time
lost in the oblivion of one hundred tomorrows

love has the power to delight and to destroy
an energy which rages and caresses, crackles and dies
there is nothing sensible about love
it is as dangerous as it is divine
love today may promise you forever
wake up tomorrow and the dream is dead
love left in the night, as silent as hill mist
leaving a love worn space, aching to be filled


All materials Copyright © 2004-2008 by Eryll Oellermann

this time around, herself was with me for three whole weeks! she has never before spent that long with me on my own home turf. about eight months after we first met we did spend a month together in south africa ... that was way back when! we were both still wearing our rose coloured spectacles at that time. mind, even with the shades herself was already finding me arrogant and unbending.
and i... well i spent some (a wee bit) of my time wanting to strangle this impossible american i had hooked up with. ah, the tales we could tell!

since then, we have of course seen one another fairly regularly. i have spent months at a time in the states ... behaving (i firmly believe) most admirably. herself has traveled to buckingham and to scotland many times but as a working woman her vacation time was limited. never before... three whole weeks.

now, my lady is a writer but no matter how i tried she showed no interest in the wonderful world of blog.the idea of 'her own blog' seemed to hold no appeal. strange, damn strange, never the less true!

however...
it appears, three weeks spent in my magical, charming company has done the trick.
herself now has a blog 'a stone in my shoe'.
i am delighted! i am trying to ignore the undeniable fact that ...
this blog is a way for herself to blow off steam.a place to slag me off, reveal my imperfections ...
hell's teeth ... who knew i had any????
one might call it ... the revenge of the small witch. seems to me that she is determined to inform the world of blog of my human frailties!

as we would say back home in the good old republic of sa ... "check the worry in my eyes".

go babe!

so how come ...

aaahhh fudge! 'tis a long way to glasgow airport when delivering ones darling to an outward bound flight.

i just checked the status of herself's flight and she has landed, thirty one minutes early.

the flight left at 9.00 (my time) and i was home in good time for a pop in sunday visit from adam and michelle. then over to shona for a cup of coffee and a catch up. so things are pretty much back to normal here.

the house is quiet without her.
i don't have to watch american news anymore. i can bbc myself to death if i so wish!
next time south africa plays england in a one day cricket match...
well, i guess there will be no one to roll their eyes and call themselves a cricket widow ...
when i wake up, i can be as noisy as i wish and shower whenever...
no one will accuse me of exhibiting a lack of consideration.
i can smoke in my rav and play my music as loud as i like.


life will resume ... simplicity will reign.

so how come...
i feel this ache within?
i miss herself ...
i miss the witchling ....

monday, monday

well ... monday herself arrives ... crack of dawn-ish. her flight is due in at 7.30 am, which means, in order to arrive in glasgow in good time...
me, myself ... i must leave the village by 5.00 am!
not really a problem, to reach herself...
i would be more than willing " to walk five hundred miles "!

an (almost) perfect day

yesterday was a perfect day. a real rarity in my part of the world and therefore greatly appreciated.
too perfect a day to spend indoors!
so... when not doing that work which i must do within...
i spent a goodly part of the day verandah sitting.

verandah sitting is a sport particularly suited to my peculiar talents ...

sitting
smoking
thinking
drinking
observing
chatting

my dedication to the pursuit of idleness is somewhat legendary.... well damn, i ain't one for false humility! if you've got it flaunt it!
the amazing sense of achievement which comes with attaining an outstanding state of idleness... hard to describe, but, well worth striving for.

so there i was, sipping on my umpteenth cup of coffee.




by the by, herself (hi sweetheart) ...whom i strongly suspect might be a paid up member of the "the devil finds work for idle hands" brigade!
where was i , ah yes... herself informs me that the latest research indicates that women who smoke gain some protection from imbibing ... you guessed it ... coffee. damn... i absolutely knew it! next thing is research will show - smoking is good for you. the mind boggles, instead of all those horrible health warnings, we will once more have those clever, sophisticated advertising campaigns which escorted so many of us into the maw of addiction. only imagine...

"live long and prosper"!

smoke camel !

darn ... these diversionary thoughts are a major distraction!
so ... drinking coffee, smoking, enjoying the perfect day. a lot of folks pass by my verandah, in friendly village fashion, we greet, we chat, we comment on the weather.

me... "what a perfect day"

sundry scots... "och aye, but is it not terrbly warm... still... mustn't complain."

my deduction ... i have a way to go before i am a true scot. perfect, for me, is too warm for my fellow villagers. therefore ... perfect for the villagers might well be ... rather chilly for me!

my lesson for the day...

'some like it cooler'

the truth is out there but, will i recognize it when i find it?

being there

tonight is warm, a real sitting out enjoying the summer evening type of warm. so warm in fact that i am able to suspend reality and pretend that i am back home. back home in africa where the ringing in my ears is produced by south african cicadas and not tinnitus!

times like these...
i grow dissatisfied with my single lifestyle.
i remember hot summer evenings shared with the mann, me sipping a savannah cider, himself at ease with an icy amstel. surrounded by the heat, enveloped in the velvety dark of an african evening. sitting outside, in search of a breeze, a little movement of the air to cool us. constantly at war with avaricious mosquitoes, determined little blood suckers, intent on making us their prey in the still night air.

i remember and i understand...
for herself and me, it will never be like that. we do not share our lives, we share exciting interludes.
she probably won't be here this winter when i see the first snowflake fall.
i wasn't there yesterday to witness a hail storm of some magnificence.
i was missing this morning when it was time to mop up the flood in her office.
this morning nikki phoned, sad and hurting... some worsening in liam's condition. my entire being contracts with fear, nowhere to hide, no one to turn to...
herself still asleep, adrift on the time divide...

relationships are about love and passion ...
indeed...
but, perhaps we sometimes forget the importance of just 'being there'.

five pounds

five pounds a month. a good deal! five pounds a month paid to bt allows me unlimited phone calls (within reason) to the good old us of a.
actually, i wonder what they mean by 'within reason'. i have had no problems as yet, so i guess my phone usage must fall within bt's definition of reasonable. there is probably some small print somewhere on the contract which explains the exact damn meaning of 'within reason'. i am not much given to reading the small print, i am in dire need of new and stronger glasses, small print reading requires too much concentration, much squinting and then...
well ... reading is one thing, understanding is quite another.

anyway... five pounds a month allows herself and myself to communicate, verbally... on a comfortingly regular basis.
it helps...
to be able to call and share small triumphs, big worries, amusing anecdotes. sometimes we chatter away incessantly, at other times we will enjoy long silences. enough to know that the beloved is on the other end of the long, long, transatlantic line.
of course i would rather be in her physical presence, i would rather be holding her close, breathing her in ...
but... the comfort of easy communication should never be underestimated.
i have her voice and if i am honest, i must admit that i fell in love with her voice long before i ever met her!

a spoonful of sugar

will a spoonful of sugar cure ... a dose of reality

better, much better ... i still have an ego and a temper! my reading of eckhard tolle's 'new earth' has not as yet trans morphed me into an example to the world! strange?...nah... not really...

i apologize for my recent lack of input...
my neglect of this no longer so secret blog!
yeah well, what can i say. like... love does that to one... does it not? i mean really! life becomes all butterflies and roses, rain becomes mist, the warmth of the sun becomes a touch of the gods.

how long will all that sugar last ... especially when the 'involved' are separated by a vast expanse of salty water and a five hour time difference.

well, in the case of me, myself...
it would appear...
roughly five weeks... before, like homing pigeons...
ego and ...
reality...
come home to roost!

what fairy dust?

inimitable witchling
maker of magic, weaver of spells
what fairy dust
from her sweet hand falls

binding my heart
my eyes made blind to all
but her sweet light
entranced, eternally enchanted

i wish for nothing
but to share the dance of life
with she
true guardian of my heart

i catch my breath
grow dizzy with her presence
what price immortality
if separation was the coin

sealed, enchanted circle
with time paused, suspended
while love's pulse beats
a wild tattoo of want

and every breath so deep
inhaled to hold the memory of her
held heart close
to cherish in the time of distance

All materials Copyright © 2004-2008 by Eryll Oellermann

"us"

excellent to have my playmate back, perhaps i should say...
excellent to be back!
for the past year i have been determined to distance my heart, to find fault,to take care of me!
the mind is a powerful instrument, it worked and i was miserable...

what changed?
me... i guess.

we still live on opposite sides of the ocean. i still have a need to be available for my family in scotland. herself still wants and needs to live in the good old u.s of a.
our circumstances remain exactly as they were.

for the now, very little has changed.
my mind, however, envisions a future, a future in which herself and i spend a goodly portion of our lives together!

i love america, but... as a woman who loves a woman, i am a temporary guest. herself has no right to import my permanent presence into her country. may hap mr obama (should he reach the heights to which he aspires) will take up his lance and fight the good fight on our behalf.
or not...

in the meantime...
i am fortunate to live in the land of equal opportunity!
civil partnership is an inalienable right. herself will travel to scotland and we will seal our deal. this will allow me peace of mind as herself and myself will be legally joined. my rights will become her rights, my safe harbour a welcoming home port for the two of us.

we will wander, while we are still able, between our two countries. we will have two homes ... an ideal arrangement?
no way!
but... it is a way, a plan for the future, an assurance of some type of togetherness. in november we will have been together for four years, we have loved and laughed, fought and feared, trusted and doubted. we have tried to take the "easy way" out, by attempting to disentangle our lives. it just does not work... our hearts continue to call, our minds thirst for contact.
who are we?
friends, partners, lovers, playmates?
it really does not matter... we are "us" and "us" is a magical place. "us" is a comforting cloak of concern and kindness, a place to reach out and know peace. a rocky road filled with laughter and teasing, a world of experiences shared. "us"... two grown women, arrogant, opinionated and obstinate.
"us" is a place all our own, where others delight to visit!

the power of love

so...here i am.
in new york... in the summertime.
did life work out as i might have expected?
no way!

love is a question, waiting to be answered.
it sways to it's own rhythm.
and we?
lost in the dance...
we follow the music!

change is inevitable, security improbable...

the face of love an ever changing constant.

the despair,anger, frustration of a troubled relationship. fueled by distance and supported by the great 'i am'.
the unfolding trail of drama leading to a slow withdrawal, a creeping, seeping coldness.
a recipe for disaster?
or, a revealation awaiting?

keep the faith, believe! love seldom dies... it mostly hibernates.
love is an endlessly renewable resource.
love is capable of forgiving the unforgivable.
love is the courage to accept that the road may be rocky and the destination a surprise!

so i find myself, sticky with the new york heat, holding herself, with arms that have never forgotten her.
i find myself, sitting beneath tall trees, lost in the calm comfort of her presence.
i find myself, remembering that which was and looking forward to that which is still to come.
will life be as i wish... who the hell knows!
my life will unfold, one page at a time. my journey, my destiny...
a learning, a growing, a consistantly miraculous, unfolding enigma.


i stand in awe of the power of love.

manchester meander

quite a big place... manchester. i used to live in johannesburg...that was a big place too, in a kind of third worldy way. now i live in the sticks... for all i know, i just may be..." the only gay in the village". my gp says "no way!... there are others" she would know, would she not? regardless i have not as yet met these other members of our tribe, they remain mysteriously mythical.

yeah...back to manchester! last weekend i shelled out a fair packet of money to travel southwards, a whistle stop tour of quite a few (at least four) of great britain's victorian stations.
i spent the weekend with my pal jersey girl. she did me proud, showed me big city life and canal street! my eyes have been opened, my eyes have been ogling. canal street, manchester, just in case you have no idea about such like goings on... is... the gay zone.
wow!

we sipped and walked and sipped and walked. inspecting the various clubs. street wise jg and country bumpkin me...churchhill's, new york, new york, vanilla and my personal favourite...the new union.
"why?" you might ask "the new union"
"because" i might say... "there was this girl who danced and took off all her gear and had a piercing in a most unusual and usually private place. this girl...man ... she really liked us girls. she must of known how all that sipping and walking leaves a body hankering for something sweet. so this deliciously naked lady... well... she kinda stuck marshmallows on various parts of her really delightful anatomy. then she sashayed and shimmied her way over to her... let's just say, duly impressed girly audience and offered us the opportunity to eat said marshmallows. thank goodness for all those shy, retiring young dykes. eventually her roving eye settled on me, guess she could tell at a glance that here was the type of person who would never, no, not ever... say no to a marshmallow. ah... happy day!

the missing

where do they go... the words?
why does the need, the desire to write disappear?

who the hell knows!

because i am just a little stubborn... i will persist to some small degree. if my words read forced and spiritless, so be it.

come monday my south african boy arrives and i will allow myself a weeks vacation. a whole week of soaking in the sunshine of his presence.

the object of my affections and i continue to communicate, our conversations grow a little less stilted. sometimes we even share a chuckle, a moments laughter.
herself has joined match.com, her profile, her photo stare back at me from the computer. rather difficult to imagine her with ANOTHER...
effin' painful actually...

as for myself, i have decided to play matchmaker;-)
i have decided that my new friend from the east coast and jersey girl would make a fabulous couple. i have already been trumpeting the excellence of new friends character in jg's ear. when i journey up to fife, i will extol jg's virtues in new friends ear!

yeah i know...you don't have to say it...
"better to mind my own business" but where, oh where is the fun in that!

begorra!

so where am i...
tried dating...well one appointment for coffee and then a day sightseeing with lunch ...
surely that counts as dating?
plus it led to...

made a new friend who is dying to introduce me to the best fish and chips in the world...
somewhere in fife...
and i do love my food...

the object of my affection and i are back in contact, the odd text, a couple of emails, enough long and drawn out phone calls to make us both thoroughly miserable...
still smitten with each other...
both now thoroughly convinced our relationship won't work.
love? ... in our case... it sucks!
begorra! the two of us must have endured a tempestuous past life together!

we are decided, we will try and maintain our friendship.
we think, we may have to stay out of contact for a while. at least until our emotions are less raw.

where does this leave me...
truth to tell ... effin' confused!
having spent some considerable time considering, i have reached a conclusion vis a viz the dating game.
too soon for me!
if i am to live by my motto... "first, do no harm"
then i had best keep myself to myself for a while.

next month my friend jersey girl has invited me to visit her. jg lives in "civilization", where there is a gay village and plenty of fun places for us lez ladies to hang out, eat, drink and be merry. i even hear wondrous rumours of music and dancing! something to look forward to...
future revelry sans involvement. sounds about right for now. 'fraid the online matchmakers will have to wait a while...pity about all those pounds i spent putting up my profile.

the meeting

JFK meeting the object of my affections 03.01.05

I was fine on the plane, as fine as one can be in those humming cramped, quarters, denied both nicotine and fresh air. And why would I not be fine, I was about to attain my heart's desire, a reward for my hard bought patience. The months of waiting and wishing would soon be over, ignoring the carefully worded advice of friends, I was doing it my way.
My feet walked on American soil, a real high for one whose greatest joy was always the dark cavern of the movie theatre. Real life seldom took precedence over the thrill of the American entertainment industry. Here I was, in the land of the free, surrounded by the symbols that had haunted my childhood.
Now to customs, officials with American accents, “step back behind the line” and I was living a movie script. Fingerprints, photographs, a temporary green card, would they let me through or dispatch me back to Britain, my mission unachieved. The formalities of entry into the worlds only super power completed, I made my eager journey to collect my baggage.
Suddenly the fear, the reality of the unknown, seized my chest and squeezed the breath from my lungs. She would be waiting, she who I knew so well and yet not at all. She who played with my heart and affected my body from thousands of miles away. She who I had fallen in love with so easily and courted so assiduously from so far away. Would I know her, would my body agree with my heart and mind that so desired her.
My eyes searched, she was there, waiting, with a red rose in her hand. How many steps, how many strides to meet my destiny. And we were together, holding as if we would never let go. Our soul energies, which had brought us together from different worlds, finally entwined with the physical. How long did we stand locked in our mutual relief, the unbelievable reality of togetherness. Her voice was soft “Welcome to my country”.
So began our second beginning...............

anatomy of an affair

dissection

who wrote those words to a perfect stranger...
obviously i was just a little insane at the time!
looking back...

i had lost my everything two short years before. i had lost my life companion...i was still adrift in a sea of raw emotion. i knew i could never replace my man with another man. i was lonely, in shock and longing for the warmth, the touch, the physical presence of love. in questioning myself and my needs i had come to the conclusion that a woman would do me nicely ... if... and this was the big IF...if it was physically possible for me to be attracted to a woman.

hah, how little i knew myself! i had always been a tomboy, my deep and abiding love for my man, my full time job as wife and mother had kept me ignorant of the woman loving lesbian who shared my heterosexual body and mind.

so... i was desperate and i was determined. i would seek and i would find. i would find a new love who would share my life and fill the empty ache which now resided permanently at the centre of my being.

and so...
i launched myself into the world of internet dating. herself was not the first woman i pursued, there was another...
a gorgeous,highly intelligent and eminently sensible woman...
who, whilst enjoying my wildly over the top romantic overtures, insisted that i was crazy and consistently refused to meet me!
well...hey man...no way was i intending to stand for that. i had places to go, people to meet, patience is not one of my virtues. i returned to the match making websites and in due course found the woman who was to become the long term Object of My Affections.
and then there were TWO! two women who made my pulse race, two women with whom i was completely infatuated, two women who lived in the states, two women i had never met.
even in my state of confused infatuation i knew that this was not acceptable behaviour!
i lost interest in food, my mind swirled with words and poetry flowed from my pen, i even lost weight!
the object of my affections agreed to meet me, she eventually agreed to have me stay in her home. she has always insisted that she knew i was crazy but felt she could handle me...
aaahhh the innocence of the woman!
i guess i will never really know why she decided to take that one step further...
maybe she likes crazies.
she said i looked like a gardener...
maybe she had a weakness for gardeners....

how sad man...only?

i am not a nice person

yeah well...
what can i say...
no bloody backbone...
i mean i really needed to hear what happened when you phoned a number from a number which has been blocked.

that's the thing with herself! when she says no contact she means it...
blocked email...
blocked phone...
of course this still leaves the witch free to email and text rather curt instructions to me.
like exactly how, when and what of her personal belongings i should mail.
i like to consider myself a mature woman, somehow herself often manages to enrage me and i end up behaving with all the bravado of an insolent teenager. for example...
my last two texts in reply to her emailed instructions!

"due to the fact that you broke up with me and you refuse contact i no longer have to obey your every fucking demand. i will post the bloody stuff when it suits me!"

i followed this up about thirty seconds later with...

"btw i have no need for your bloody money i start work next week"

really grown up stuff! needless to say herself felt no need to answer. twelve hours later i was overcome with remorse at my childish behaviour...
same old, same old...will i ever learn?

by now the woman has really got herself up my nose. i had been breezing along, quite content with the status quo. after all it was my discovery and decision which led to our break up. i had decided that i was no longer comfortable with the idea of us living together. who am i kidding...comfort had nothing to do with it...fear was the motivating emotion! fear that i would have to change my whole life in order to compensate herself for leaving hearth and home!
so now with a few curt emails and texts she has reinstated thoughts of herself into my poor confused mind. as i mentioned before...no bloody backbone...

i digress... we were discussing my need to dial her number in order to see what happened. must have been about 23.00 my time, i had enjoyed a few glasses of good red with my meal. i was mellow and inquisitive. i dialed the blocked number...
whoops... her answering machine clicked in, i cut the connection...how boring, is that how a blocked phone works?
needless to say there was a short email in my inbox when i awoke.

"I will call Verizon Monday and ask them why the block is not working."

the adolescent in me rejoiced at the degree of discomfort my call had elicited.
Damn why is it so difficult to be a nice person?

life after ...

the unfolding tale of love, passion, hope and despair. the arguments and misunderstandings ... the ultimate destiny of two women bound by love and separated by distance.

The first seven days...
One side of an introductory internet exchange...

The first seven days

01/11/04 16.46
Destiny calling ...

words that cross oceans opening another mind to magical possibilities. I simply cannot resist, the difficulties of distance pale into insignificance compared to the attraction of your words. Language is my soul food and your words feed my hungry heart.

I have inhabited and enjoyed my mind and body for the past fifty six years. I believe in love and I follow my intuitions.....communication is a passion I enjoy sharing. I have known great joy and endured great sorrow, I regret no emotion, to feel is to exist and to learn.

I love to laugh, to play, to love, to debate with passion, but most of all, to share my body, heart, mind and soul with a beloved. I am in no way perfect, but I am fun to be with, intelligent, interesting, curious and full of wonder.......my world is magnificent and my appreciation endless.

The Great Wall of China, eyes that search for mine, a love to reach out and caress.......the stuff of dreams, perhaps. A great dream may just be the start of a wonderful journey.

Write, if you will, I would love to learn more of you and your world and share a little of mine with you.

Reeflightning
reeflightning@match.com



02/11/04 07.49

you write

and I sleep, I write and you sleep. Fascinating, not only distance, but time............

I spent many years in Johannesburg, a place of spectacular electric storms,nature's ultimate display. The old adage "lightning never strikes twice" does not hold true on the reef. I have experienced the love of a soulmate and I live in the hope that I will be allowed a second strike. A lover, soulmate, friend, companion to share the rest of my life with, and so, the name reef lightning.

South Africa is my motherland, I am a recent exile. I still long for big skies and the silence of suffocating heat.

Share with me about your life and loves, my curiosity is boundless!

I found you because, I believe in coincidences........

Reeflightning



02/11/04 19.27

on spirituality and kitty litter

Nothing like kitty litter to keep a person grounded!

Hard to believe most Virgo's don't care to touch.....myself, I love to touch and be touched, to hold and be held, to kiss and be kissed etc etc What point in having a physical body if we do not appreciate the joys it can bring us! Good to hear that you like to touch...

My kids are 31, 29, 25...eldest is my daughter, then two sons...all outstandingly gorgeous and incredibly intelligent :-) .

I live in a terrace house in Buckingham....small market town near Milton Keynes.

I am brand new to "this life"..I met my man and married him six months later, we were together for 36 years. He died of prostate cancer two years ago. We had a wonderful marriage.

But.....I now wish to share the rest of my life with a woman....strange, perhaps, but I walk my own road and march to my own drum!

We are about 5 hours ahead.

I believe in karma and coincidences and most of all in the power of love.

M is a very popular name in SA!

My name is Welsh...never been able to find out what it means.

Do you have a private email address, sometimes match.com can take forever.

Reeflightning (who was born on a farm in Africa)



02/11/04 21.07
therapy or lack thereof



I guess I am unusual, probably a therapists dream or maybe nightmare! I have never been in therapy, I have an impenetrable mask.....no one would ever imagine I might need it. Emotional connections with women...yes, physical affairs...nary a one, I look forward to being seduced! Manfred was special, men in general I no longer find attractive. I would prefer to live alone if the male of the species was my only option. I really do not see myself as straight or gay or bisexual, I am who I am, I find woman attractive, compelling, fascinating. I have explored and enjoyed one side of myself and now I shall explore and enjoy the other part of me.

Are you out?
I met a really fascinating woman, but she was so deep in the closet. I could never live like that. I wear my heart on my sleeve, when I love someone, I love with all of me. The whole world can see I'm in love and I am proud to show it. I like holding hands and flirting in public, living a secret life behind closed doors would drive me insane.

I have five grandchildren. My daughter and her husband adopted a son and two daughters, and were then blessed with two biological miracles, first a son and then a daughter. My middle son and his wife have as yet not produced any offspring. My youngest son is gay, in a long term relationship with his partner, no hope of grandchildren from that quarter!
How old are your daughters, do you have any grandchildren?

A terrace house is a UK specialty, built in a row or sometimes around a square, all attached to each other. Must admit I am used to wide open spaces, and find living in such close proximity to my neighbours less than perfect. I am renting at present, not settled enough yet to buy a property or have a pet companion.
Do you live in an apartment or house?

How long were you with your lover, when did it end, are you over her?

I am spiritual, learning all the time, my beliefs are important to me, but I do appreciate the views and beliefs of others. In my opinion everyone is exactly where they should be on their spiritual journey. Ten years ago I fought a bout with breast cancer, at the time I was angry and bereft but in the end....a mind blowing life lesson! No pain is wasted as long as we learn from it.

What do you write?

Where do you teach?

Do you have your own practice?

RL


03/11/04 3.21


better and better!


I was excited and now I'm ecstatic, can't believe you write novels about reincarnation! Are they published, I need to read them. I have been wanting to be regressed for years now....I read whatever I can get my hands on about reincarnation and past lives. I had to leave most of my books in South Africa, but i brought with me , "Journey of Souls" and "Destiny of Souls" by Michael Newton. I could write forever about this............

If you are wondering what I am doing up in the small , wee hours, writing emails.......I do that sometimes!

N and A (two eldest) are over here in the UK

P (youngest) is in Joburg SA.....arriving on Thursday for a ten day visit!

N and P know about me and are fine with it

A...I have avoided telling, as it is going to upset him .....long story, will tell you when we have time. However, the very minute I fall in love he will be the first to know and will just have to get his mind around it!

I have not shared with anyone else as yet, no point in causing chaos until I have a real, live woman to prove my point, otherwise they will just think the dreary English weather has driven me over the edge!

The only countries I have been in are South Africa and the UK. I lived over here for four years as a child age 4 to 8, then Manfred and I were here with the kids for 6 months end 86/87.

How did you manage to last + - 9 years with someone who did not enjoy making love. Sex for exercise is not my scene, but when I truly love someone.....I find making love a spiritual experience and the soul connection grows.

Really looking forward to meeting you now. Wonder if I will recognize you... I can walk into a room full of people, and within 10 minutes know who will be important in my life. Met all my good friends, bar one, that way...I feel we have soul connections as the attraction is always mutual.

Sleep deep, dream sweet,
RL




03/11/04 15.23

thanks for pic!

This photo was taken June 2004, thanks for yours! Your 7.15 email arrived 12.15 exactly. Just got in...will write more later.
always
RL


03/11/04 15.23

fate, fun and friendship

Very feminine, very sophisticated....different to my mind picture!

I am sure if a romantic future were on the cards for us, we would have been placed in a little closer proximity. Of course if we were to meet and fall in love....I am one of those people who will move mountains, given a good enough reason. Obstacles in my path become challenges to be triumphed over. However, this time around, I hope for friendship between us...United States immigration laws could well challenge even my stubborn nature! I really want to live permanently with my lover, listen to her breathing as she sleeps and look into her eyes first thing in the morning. I am far too possessive and jealous to endure a long distance relationship! So if it is OK with you, we will work on friendship for the future....what will be, will be.

I have met an English girl who lives in a village just ten miles away. So far we have only chatted on the phone as she is in Kent at present, she has just had a hip replacement op. We have a lot in common, she lived in SA for quite a few years and is as crazy about cricket as I am. She will be home at the end of November and we will meet then. I think we will be good company for each other, not so sure we would be romantically suited. I am actually half in love with a girlfriend from college, she still thinks she is straight...which is a bit of a bummer! I am sure she is as much in love with me as I am with her, she just hasn't realized it yet! She has already decided that if I move back to SA she and her young son would want to come with me...interesting. There are five other American girls I have been writing to for ages. All interesting and fascinating for their own reasons....I love people! I am actually going to meet one of them, she wants to come over in December, evidently she has plenty of airmiles.

I finally managed to get the new Il Divo cd, it was released on Monday, but has been sold out every day by the time I arrived at the shop! Today, my persistence paid off and there were still a couple of copies left.

I would love to hear more about your past lives, how you came to realize them etc. also more about your writing. I write a little...poetry and prose, but only when I am feeling driven, overwhelming emotions appear to release the writers block I usually suffer from!

smooth paths
always
RL



03/11/04 23.27


Can't sleep.....so I will write, some words,for my new friends delight


to drown
in eyes so sure
to breath the very essence
of you
to touch and trace
those gentle lines
bestowed with grace
by laughter
to hold and feel
and know
that you are mine
to worship with
my all
in love, bestowing
heart and mind and soul
forever in your
gentle power


04/11/04 00.00


you have only known me for two days...and already you have realized I am a maniac! Usually takes people at least a week before the truth dawns!!!!

04/11/04 16.21


rereading your mail, "what did I expect you to look like"....hmmm, went back and looked at your photo, guess what...you now look exactly as I expected you to look! I think I thought you might have slavic eyes, expected your face to be slightly rounder and for some reason I thought you would have long, black hair, caught up at the back, with a silver streak about an inch wide running from the front to the back!

I managed to drive all the way to Gatwick and back and collect my beautiful boy...all without a hiccup. Sometimes I wonder, I have been such a helpless female all my life, always cherished and taken care of by some loving male figure...and now, when I absolutely have to , I manage to achieve all manner of things, all on my lonesome. I had to leave home at 3.00 this morning as his plane arrived at 6.00 and the traffic on the M25 is soooo unpredictable. I am fairly exhausted!

This afternoon we had to take my grandson, L, to see his paediatrician at Milton Keynes. That took quite a few hours. P is now fast asleep on the couch, he flew via Dubai and spent 16 hours on the plane. Tonight N and family and A and M are all coming over. Fabulous, I will have all my children together for the first time in ages.

I might not be able to write as often as I would like as my computer is in P's bedroom! Also, he is even more "high maintenance" than I am! Attention is what we crave...should really have careers in showbiz where we could perform for an adoring audience, enjoying their rapt attention and spontaneous applause! Flip...I hope you can tell when I'm joking!

Take care my friend and write soon,
RL




05/11/04 9.25

time 9.20


Good morning
I trust you slept the sleep of angels.

Possibly strong, capable etc.........must admit though, I enjoy being "taken care" of!

Favourite girl?.....real life?..... or what I would wish for in a partner?

Life is good, my bathroom now has potions and lotions spilling everywhere..my boy is home! A, the elder ,is bringing my lap top back this evening and he has networked it with my other computer, so I should be able to keep in contact.

Does your youngest live far away...you mentioned you don't see her often.

always
RL




05/11/04 20.59

sugar and spice

aaahhh...that girl! She is gorgeous, sexy deep voice, beautiful body (though she thinks she is overweight!), works out at the gym lots, loves eating as much as I do, loves feeding me...very important in my book! She smokes as much as me..maybe more, wild thing...makes me laugh, thinks I'm intelligent, articulate, hilarious! She is the main reason I know I can be attracted to women! If I allow my brain to work and think realistically, we would not really suit. She is a wonderful friend and brings a lot of life and happines with her, but.....she is only 38 and I don't really believe she could hold my interest completely, I need a complicated, intelligent life partner, some one who will keep me on my toes, testing and probing, arguing about the universe and everything in it. I am not concerned with looks so much, eyes and hands are important to me, and most of all the mind, I need to love the mind of my lover. Oh yeah...I find people who love language and can spell...captivating!

Wish I was independently wealthy....would send for you immediately and take care of you forever! I don't work at the moment, but I need to!

More later, take care
always
RL




06/11/04 9.28

Good morning angel woke up to two emails! you are my kind of girl!
a was late, late...he was working up in london yesterday and only arrived back in bicester around 10.30. he remembered to bring elijah ( the dog) as i am dogsitting him this weekend. they are off to some conference at eastbourne.however....he forgot my bloody laptop!!!! no problem today as p is taking n up to london for the day and i will be left to my own devices.

i love talking to you, you can send me hundreds per day if you like, then you will become my goddess of communication.
a prof i write to, explained safe sex, lesbian style, to me....told her it sounded more like a visit to the gynae than passion! i lack inhibitions when it comes to sex, providing pleasure for my lover is my biggest turn on. If it takes toys, toys it will be...believe me, i am going to make some woman very, very happy.....perhaps you would like to apply for the vacancy!!!!!

9.20 just got back from bicester, had to drop the kids off at the station for their london trip. soooo hurry and wake up, so we can talk....i have my computer back for the day!

just off to have breakfast, still have lots to say! i''ll be back...........
rl




06/11/04 10.14

how about a dream lover

can't have an author who is jaded! i am determined to return you to a state of dizzy adolescence............an affair of the heart, the mind, the soul and the imagination. distance inhibits the physical, but, with your permission..............

i could romance you with my heart, seduce you with my words and allow you into my mind...our souls i feel are already familiar with each other. once you are hopelessly in love with me and i am totally besotted with the very idea of you...........i will just cross the ocean!

perhaps you have a position vacant in your life for a born romantic, who doesn't mind growing old, but who refuses to grow up! someone who believes in love and magic and the power of destiny............just let me know and i will apply for the position.

always
rl




06/11/04 11.47

Time enough

wrote this a while ago..............




*Time enough*
The sun sinks slowly, allowing nights gathering dusk entry. Autumn nips at summer's fleeing heel and the slow chill recalls winter's dark memory. The seasons follow us through life as we tread our chosen road. Time is both enemy and friend, the incredible optimism of childhood...endless time at our disposal, every new experience a wonder to be marvelled at. The arrogance of youth, immortal in our outlook and impatient in our understanding. The middle years, a time of building and nurturing, the slow acceptance of responsibility. We learn to love and we learn to lose, time teaches us that great joy and great sorrow walk hand in hand through the seasons. Spring, summer, autumn, winter, the seasons pass. So now we stand, fully adult and finally free of the responsibilities that time gifts us with. A magic time, with freedom to chose.
So I stand, for the moment and look back at the past and I am pleased. For it was not all good and not all bad, neither always difficult nor always easy. Joy and sadness, laughter and anger, pain and pleasure. But it was my road and I have walked it, keeping pace with the seasons, sometimes weary with the load and sometimes dancing with the joys my path provided.
And now a new time ahead, new forks in the road, new decisions to make, a new path to follow. My mind a little wiser, my heart more gentle, my step a little more careful. What can I wish for on this last part of my journey through life. The ability to see those who have need of me and the patience to share my time with them. A heart that learns to love selflessly and a mind that may understand the fears of others.A body strong enough to carry me with grace and dignity towards my final destination.
A companion, a love, a soulmate, to walk beside me, for we grow weary alone. A friend to share the wonders and marvels of the road, a life partner to bring joy to all the seasons.




06/11/04 12.11

worry not

i know quite well how to protect my heart! nice to have a therapist on my side though............will make myself some coffee and be back. do you have AIM instant messaging?
rl




06/11/04 12.21

no subject

how many cats
what are their names
how do you take your coffee

when i was little i used to pretend i was boy called john...my poor brother had to be mary...luckily no permanent damage to his psych, he managed to grow up, marry and sire five kids...................first installment, so you can try and analyze me over the internet!
rl




06/11/04 13.00

no subject

feel free to wear your therapists hat..........i do not share so easily with everyone.........i know when i am safe.........you may have access to all of me

i love cats...had to leave my precious c with pj in SA will send you a pic

i smoke too much...even went to a hypnotist to try and get a cure...lasted a whole week that time! determined to give up, next try when pj goes home! if you are allergic i will use that as motivation!

love wine, especially red...white is nice on a hot day, especially cheap plonk, with ice in.....that's what we drink in sa, lunch time, hot days, good friends
love chocolate...too much

manfred was my best friend, i have five very good friends...like family to me...E, A, S. D and G..all in SA

know lots of gay people in SA




06/11/04 13.25

next


how long have you been friends

you have kids...were you married

when and for how long..if you were

how did you realize you were gay

_Me_
tomboyish but all woman....have never worn make up, tried it once and decided i looked like a hooker! like jeans and running shoes...sorry don't share your fascination with shoes....but i support you entirely in your desire to shop for them. i was born with a very faithful nature...don't have to try, i simply am. i think cheating on someone is despicable, if i ever had a desire to wander, i would tell my partner first. first boyfriend age 7, really liked boys.....got crushes on girls too, once i was sent to all girl schools...more to come




06/11/04 13.46

no subject


Why did i move to the uk..hmmmm, not really sure really. i came over to visit adam and michelle for a two month holiday, he kept nagging me to move over here, but no way was i interested. went home to sa, told everyone i would never want to live in the uk..too grey, too small, too cramped, too full of people with Brit accents! so now we are in august 2004, i was going crazy with missing m, restless, unhappy, decided i would live half the year in sa, half in uk...then i found out that n and i really wanted to immigrate to the uk but n felt bad about leaving me (don't you love it when they suddenly start to feel like your parent and want to take care of you! aaarrrrggg!). so i thought well....if i go they will go and that will sort that out and i was here by end november 2004. they arrived end january 2005, nice and settled and i am now free to go where i wish. i'm not dependent on my kids, they have their own lives and i need my own...much as i love them!

i like girls who look like girls!




06/11/04 14.10

no subject

oxford school of reflexology, village called wheatly just outside oxford, only have lectures two days a month, rest is home study and practical work. i am a useless student, very good at listening and practical but hate studying, nothing has changed since i was at school!

cheap plonk is cheap wine comes in boxes or jars, can only be improved by adding ice!

you might well be right about my sense of humour

cold rejecting hubby, girlfriend who wasn't crazy about sex, you need me in your life babe!!!! loving is my specialty, cherishing my addiction and touching my pleasure!!!!

maybe we can talk later..tomorrow p will be back...demanding endless attention!!!

how long should i wait until it would be polite to ask for your phone number???
always
rl




06/11/04 14.28

no subject

cool get off the net....i have alpha prepaid, cheap international calls....no sweat. give me a minute or two to find united states code . prepare yourself for sa accent...have you ever met one of us!
love

06/11/04 14.36

hey you with the cute american accent, i keep getting your answering machine! are you still online!

06/11/04 16.58

knowing your voice

that was wonderful, now when i read your words, i will hear your voice.

don't you just love doing crazy things..like talking to strangers on different continents, when you have only just met them but feel like you have known them forever....life is sweet. follow the yellow brick road.....

my AIM name is () ...wanted (), but it was already taken!

always
rl




06/11/04 17.19

no subject

to leaf or not to leaf...this is the question. can't have the mailman putting his life in danger, so perhaps i should encourage you in the pursuit of leaflessness. you are so lucky to have big old trees, sound like the kind i like to hug and listen to....do you do that? the peace trees offer is incredible, here i have to hug the ones in the park, brits give me strange looks! sooooo...hug one of your trees for me, and listen carefully to what it tells you.
rl




06/11/04 21.41

Guy Fawkes

the kids are safely home from london, had a wonderful time. hope you haven't exhausted yourself raking up leaves. We have fireworks and rockets going off everywhere! last night was guy fawkes night and i guess the celebration parties are tonight.
just wanted to write a quick goodnight before i hit the sack.
enjoy your evening
love rl




07/11/04 09.31

another day

Good morning angel
trust you slept well. today we are surrounded by soft cloud,grey and gentle , muffling sound. think i will take the dog for a walk and visit the swans and listen to the church bells calling.

guy fawkes was the leader in a plot to blow up the houses of parliament hundreds of years ago. he was caught and burned at the stake. 5th november is the day the brits commemorate this, with huge bonfires and fireworks

so glad you now have im, will try and get on line to chat today...i am so happy we found each other, at last!
with love
always
rl




07/11/04 15.01

the intrusion of the mundane

dear friend
apologies for my hasty departure..........i had p beautifully settled in front of a dvd, ingesting marshmallow fluff . but alas, my dear a chose that very time to call and collect e.perhaps just as well, as you have a busy day ahead of you and i am greedy for your company! so, i shall content myself with this email.....sigh O:-)

are you near the sea, you mentioned a walk on the beach?

fantasy or reality...to be or not to be....
fantasy has it's own magic in that...it can become reality
reality...the art of the everyday...a desirous place.....the ultimate destiny for a fantasy of worth

i walk and think
my mind expands
future generations
and faraway lands
people here
and people there
linked through love
and hate and fear
through the corridors
of time
connected through
a golden line
soul to soul
the force so strong
for unknown other
strangers long
to meet and know
to search and find
through space and time
beloved mind

enjoy your day
always
rl




07/11/04 20.39

missed connection

hi angel
sorry i missed you. why are you watching your weight...eat and be happy! all those leaves you are raking will surely keep you fit and a woman needs a bit of flesh on her bones!
we are watching tv "britains worst wives"....for this i had to fore go "monarch of the glen".....the things we do for our children.
always
rl




07/11/04 21.35

almost bedtime

last few lines before i head, drowsy brained to my sweet bed, there to rest in quiet repose, dreaming dreams of perfect prose.........

goodnight angel, may all your dreams come true
love
rl

and yet...

well...
ain't life interesting!
here i was, cool as a cucumber, scarcely a thought in my head about herself...

you may not know who herself is, or why she is...
you will...
nearly three and a half years of my life were spent pursuing her, seducing her, romancing her, loving her. a fair amount of said time was also spent arguing with her, muttering about her, aching, raging, cursing her.

so anyway, as i was saying, we broke up twelve days ago. it was my fault (naturally)! not that i intended to break up with herself, but she had finally decided to move to the uk to be with me. truth to tell...i panicked ... i mean, who wouldn't. after all i had been begging herself to move in with me ever since we met.dreams are dreams and reality is a whole 'nother thing. sometime in the future i may get around to explaining exactly why the news i had always longed for... scared the living daylights out of me. no promises mind!

so there i was...totally mortified by the fact that i was scared shitless by the idea of my beloved moving in with me. was she still my beloved?... i wavered and waned in the stark light of reality. i wrote an email...perhaps we should take our time, no need to rush...so many differences, so many problems to sort out. take care, take our time, maybe the long distance relationship was still the best way to go.
herself ranted and raved. indeed why would she not. she was finally giving me what i had been demanding for years and what do i do...
i wrote another email, accepting blame, understanding if she did not wish to talk to me. i had to admit...i had changed my mind about us living together.
herself cut me off...
do not call, do not write, do nothing, we are finished.
end of story.

how did i feel...
relieved!
i no longer had to stress about sharing my space with a beloved who detested my carnivorous habits and slept when i was awake and was awake when i slept. i was sure i was no longer in love with her. how could i be, i did not want her to move in with me, she was irritating the hell out of me, she wanted to tell me how to live my life!

oh, i felt guilty, i knew i had hurt her. but... as herself was always quick to point out to me...i was only being honest. how many times had she told me she would never leave the states...that i was not the be all and end all of her world.

all this happened the weekend of the 15th/16th march 2008. today is the 27th march, i had not heard a word from herself. i was coping fine...all for the best...yes, i miss her but...better this way.

tonight i receive an email from herself...why did i not answer her text?

huh?... i guess because i have not received a text...
i text back and inform her of this fact.

herself texts back...she wants to know if the rings she has returned to me have arrived and did i intend to return her things to her.

i text back 'rings have not arrived and i intend to return her stuff.'

herself texts back 'sorry, sent original message to wrong number'

by now i am no longer cool and comfortable, my heart is thudding, my pulse is racing, my knees are weak. what the fuck is wrong with me??? all i want to do is hear her voice and speak to her. what the fuck is wrong with me??? the woman is a witch, she will make my life a misery.

i text back very thoughtfully ' if you need to talk text and i will call'

herself texts back 'she has no need to talk!'

damn that witch woman irritates me! i am like so fortunate to be free of her. hope i never hear from her again!
so how come...
i now ache to call her...
i won't of course, even i know better than that...